Annual "I'll believe a corporation is a person when..." List

Please add to the list. It's a compilation from submissions over the past 2 years -- released around the anniversary of the January 21 Citizens United vs FEC Supreme Court decision, which expanded never-intended inalienable constitutional rights for corporations.

Feel free to use it in any Citizens United anniversary actions.

A final version will be released on Monday  – the third anniversary of Citizens United.

People are people. Corporations are public creations of real human persons and our governments – legally distinct from simply a group of people informally working together. Thus, We the People have the democratic responsibility to define or regulate corporations (our creations) in ways that best serve communities, our environment and us.

More information is at movetoamend.org

“I'll believe a corporation is a person when...
... Arizona deports one
... Texas executes one
... Massachusetts marries two of them
... The US government issues one a Social Security number
... one gets a STD after jumping in bed with an elected representative
... one returns from the Mideast with PTSD
... the CIA extradites one to Guantanamo
... one sacrifices its life in military service
... one is awarded the Nobel Peace Prize
... one is baptized
... one dies from hunger or sickness
... one falls in love
... one is awed by beauty
... one is humbled by things it does not know
… it is NOT too big to JAIL
… one values the life and well being of any one individual before it's own existence
… The Ohio State University graduates one
... Ohio denies two same sex marriage (and divorce) rights
... one can't find a job
… one is elected president
… one dies in childbirth.
… one is put in prison  (which would most likely be for defrauding it's investors)
... one dies and is buried in a cemetery
… it grows a heart
… it develops a conscience
... one stays up all night with a sick baby, a troubled teen, or a dying parent
… one worries about the meaning of life
… one is capable of empathy
… one has an ultrasound detected heartbeat
… when its conception occurs in utero
… one is actually held fully responsible for its actions
… one adopts any of those babies delivered from the women who were denied access to a legal abortion
.... one has to register for the draft
...  I see one doing the hokey-pokey
… one gets pregnant, gives birth and breastfeeds the newborn.
… our budget is balanced
… Herman Cain sexually harasses one
… a female corporation makes 75 cents for every dollar a male corporatoin makes
… the created is equal to the creator
...  it grows an opposable thumb.
… Gepetto makes it a real boy
… they are able to reproduce sexually. They already fuck people, but not in the biological way.
… one gives up their personhood to save another person
… they pay their fair share of taxes
… disco music is finally eradicated from the face of the earth
… Lucy lets Charlie Brown kick the football
… a winter storm warning is posted for hell
… Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. return to Earth and declare corporations are people.
… one teaches a child
.... it shows me its birth certificate
… they all start laughing out loud at these remarks."
And finally…
"I will never believe a corporation is a person."